Warning: This post contains a massive amount of complaining.
Well yesterday was one of ‘those’ days. Thursdays are a struggle with children in school anyway because they’re tired enough for it to be the last day of school but there’s another one left. Added to that, I took the twins for a far too ambitious walk that left me in agony. THEN, Animal Lover and Dino Boy had a movie night at school that took them past bedtime and a very overtired Dino Boy had temper tantrum of the week because we asked him too… wait for it… get dressed!
So after Daddy took him up to bed, I did my usual thing of feeling like the worst mother in the world because I was in too much pain to help with the kids. If I had been a better mother Dino Boy would not have had a tantrum and wouldn’t be really upset.
One of my thinking errors involves blowing things massively out of proportion, which is what happened next. When Daddy eventually came down stairs, he had to face my twisted logic that it was actually his fault that Dino Boy was so upset because he didn’t handle the situation well. Then, somehow the conversation led to me calling him up on all the diy jobs that he needs to do (say what?).
I stayed up until 1 o’clock this morning punishing myself for hurting Stephen and for being a rubbish mother. An exhausting process that only made me feel more depressed and hopeless. Eventually I went to bed and sleep came easily.
So, what’s the plan today? Well, 9 months ago, before I started on my counselling journey, I would’ve spent today wallowing. That may happen, I’m not promising anything, but I’m going to give myself a break. A break from feeling like I can’t make up for yesterday or at least put it behind me.
As part of my religion, I believe in forgiveness, in new beginnings. My depression tells me that, even though I believe in forgiveness, it doesn’t include me. If I treat others badly I deserve to suffer. This is not true! As I try to put things right, I deserve forgiveness too and most of all I deserve the forgiveness I need to give myself.
So onwards and upwards (hopefully).
Just a slice of my reality.