Wow, it’s been almost a month since my last post. I’ve been caught up in the chaos of renovating our garden, various illnesses that have circulated our family and my grandfather undergoing surgery following a stroke. It honestly feels like a tornado has mercilessly ripped through our lives and although I’ve been relatively safe in the basement, now I have emerged and realised the wreckage.
(N.B. I’m going to throw in random photos of my kids just to lighten things up a bit).
I know that all sounds uber dramatic but to be honest that is how it feels to me. Over the past few weeks I have been feeling increasingly overwhelmed. Frankly, I’ve felt like so much of my life is out of my control that it’s becoming unbearable. It reached a level today that has left me feeling teary and experiencing chest pains and nausea (I know, fun!).
It really does feel as though I have gone from performing at a level that has been acceptable to me, to barely being able to keep on top of the basics; I hate not being at my best (or even close). I hate feeling like I’ve failed my kids, Stephen, my extended family or friends, or myself. I feel like I’m pulled in so many different directions, each direction as seemingly as important as the others.
For example, I really want to supplement my kids’ education with Pinterest inspired activities but I also want my house to be neat because mess stresses me out. I understand all that “excuse the mess our kids are making memories” business but I grew up in a very tidy house and I just can’t handle living amidst the clutter and dust. I need things to be organised but then I feel guilty that the twins are on their tenth episode of Peppa Pig whilst I make sense of the housework.
I know there aren’t any quick fixes for feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I’ve accepted that I do have a tendency to see things as far worse than they really are; something I like to call the ‘The Armageddon Complex’. I feel like I’m stuck and I get so angry with myself and impatient with the very slow progress I seem to be making. The next step for me is thinking about how I can commit to move on with my life inspite of this cognitive distortion.
Where do I even start? Well, I did ask Stephen to buy me a colouring book for my birthday. I know, you’re thinking, what??? Stay with me though. I read an article in the Telegraph that suggested that colouring could be good for achieving mindfulness. I’ve coloured one page already and I will say it was relaxing and helped me to refocus.
I’m inclined to think it is going to take more than colouring inside the lines to help me get past this though. I know I need to communicate my feelings with Stephen more. I always keep them bottled up and on the rare occasions when I do tell him, guess what? I do feel better. Sometimes though, I feel like he must be fed up of my complicated and messy mind!
I know you’re probably waiting for me to share with you my solutions right about now but I’ll be completely honest, I’m not really sure what’s going to work in helping me feel less overwhelmed. I’m not giving up though and if I do figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you know!
Until next time!