Under the Microscope
I’m so sorry my blog has been quiet for such a long time. There’s a reason why, which is what I’m going to get into tonight. Apologies in advance…
I have to admit that I have been back to my old tricks over the past month or so. I’m afraid it is confession time (again). Just lately I have been doing what I’ve spent my, albeit relatively short, adult life perfecting; pretending to be okay.
I have started writing three different posts for this blog, each aimed at detailing emotional struggles. None of which was published because I allowed the little voice in my head to prevail; the voice that tells me I have to be okay. If I’m honest, I didn’t want to share my slice of reality.
It’s not even as if I have been feeling at rock bottom (I hate that overused cliché, but you know what I mean), however the more I try to supress my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, the more they seem to weigh heavy on me. The more I try to put on a show that everything is fine, the more everything becomes not fine. I know, duh!
I definitely have been having more good days than bad days of late, in fact I’ve had lots of really great days. The problem for me though is that I have started trying to hide the bad ones again, not just hiding them from other people but hiding them from myself, and that scares me. It scares me because I don’t want to go back to feeling out of control, to feeling like I’m under the microscope. I have been so hard on myself in terms of keeping up appearances and I don’t want to be on lockdown anymore.
I’m definitely not saying I have to wear my heart on my sleeve; there are times when brave face wearing is a necessity. I’ve been in situations where a simple “I’m good thanks” would’ve saved me from a substantial amount of embarrassment. Having said that, I have to feel safe here, or what’s the point in having a blog called ‘A Slice of Reality’?
I’m also scared of you. Yes, you. (Please dont be offended, this is purely my overthinking). Quite a few of my readers are people I see on a weekly, if not daily basis. I have been consumed with worry that you will look at me differently or treat me differently because of what you read. I guess that’s just something I have to come to terms with.
The spreading of awareness and easing of my symptoms are the two reasons why I started this blog and I think for a moment, I lost sight of that. I think for a moment, preserving the image that I desperately want people to have of me became a priority.