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  • Writer's pictureellicemiles

One AM

I know, it’s not exactly the most imaginative title for a post but lying in bed at 1 o’clock in the morning, unable to achieve sleep, does things to your brain; weird things.

I haven’t been able to post for a few months because my WordPress app is just being stupid and randomly messing up/deleting my work if I add photos. So a few times I’ve just given up on writing. Technology, sometimes you suck!

I feel I need to write tonight though; I’ve got loads going on in my head, and none of it makes a whole lot of sense, and I want it to make sense. Sleep will not come, even though at 8:30 it landed on me like a tonne of bricks, as I lay unsuspecting on the sofa. I dozed off heavily for less than an hour but a few hours later, the curse of the late nap was apparent.

There is a certain six-letter word that has me all messed up tonight and I can not make it go away. FUTURE! I hate how uncertain life can seem sometimes. I feel like Alice in Wonderland stood at the crossroad, unsure of which way to turn and the only assurance comes from the incessant grinning cat who does have helpful advice but I can’t make sense of it.

I sometimes have serious issues with control, and feeling like my life isn’t organising itself into neat little boxes quickly enough, makes my head and chest feel like they’re about to explode. Even if an opportunity is around the corner and seems exciting, unless I am able to hold it in my hand and direct its course myself, I kick and scream inside.

The real prospect/threat of upcoming change makes the future terrifying by itself, and then change is made more terrifying by the fact that you have four children to think about. Four children who trust your judgement and look to you as their guiding hand. Four children whose lives are directly affected by the decisions you make, big and small. Is it any wonder I’m staring at the ceiling instead of the inside of my eyelids?

I just came across a German Proverb that says: “Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is”. Is that true? Am I making the future scarier than it really is by worrying about it? Or will it be that scary when I get there that I’ll think, wow Ellice, that fear was justified?

It’s a bewildering place to be right now in my head. It does feel marginally better to get it out into the blogosphere though. Any other insomniacs out there relate?

Update: venting my feelings is what got me to sleep, coupled with exhaustion I’m sure. Waking up this morning, I’m no surer about what the future holds, yet the fog has lifted and my head and chest feel normal again.

Forcing myself to be okay reached its limit of usefulness and I was forced to confront it. Being honest and accepting how I feel bears much more fruit than not allowing myself to do anything but think positive. I might feel exhausted this morning, but I can cope with it (even when

Sidney accidentally headbutts me in the face during morning cuddles).

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